Americans Still Giving So Many Fucks About the Obama Administration’s Recent Scandals


The Obama Administration has had more than its fair share of scandals in recent months.  A recent poll is showing that the American public gives so many fucks about the scandals that it’s insane.

The NSA wiretapping scandal, the release of records stating over 3,000 people were killed by drone strikes last year, the IRS targeting of Obama’s denouncers, the ATF “Fast and Furious” scheme, amongst numerous other stories, have only increased the amount of fucks Americans are giving about their President.  “Every time I hear of a new scandal, I give, like, double the fucks than normal,” stated Preschool Teacher, Aaron Klatt.  “Sometimes it feels like I can’t give any more fucks, but somehow I always find more fucks to give.”

A recent poll done by somebody somewhere stated that people give, on average, twenty-seven thousand fucks per year, but that number is only rising.  “People don’t forget these scandals immediately, Mr. Hussein Obama!” stated French Press connoisseur Jacque Blackman.  “Every day I give fucks, and every day Obama learns that Americans won’t take this lightly, and won’t forget these things probably a day or two after it happens.  No sir.”

Still no word on how many shits were not given during Obama’s second term.

 

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Adding ‘Boobs, Tits, Sex, Penetration, Anal, Orgasm, Slut, Kittens, Miley Cyrus’ Only Way Local Blogger Can Get Any Views


Local blogger, Reid Thomas Haines, has found the only way he can get any hits on his blog is to add the most commonly searched for tags of “boobs, tits, sex, penetration, anal, orgasm, slut, kittens, and Miley Cyrus.”

Reid Thomas Haines has been blogging for several years, spending hours each week on top of his full-time job delicately crafting a beautiful webpage that also has intelligent, thought provoking material about current events in politics, pop culture, and life in general.  “One of my most viewed posts was a discussion about whether or not countries are outdated and if the world should have one global government,” stated Reid.  “It received twelve hits.  It was awesome.”  But lately, Reid has been taking a different approach to finding an audience.  A more visceral one.

Reid has begun only discussing stories where he can say the words ‘boobs, tits, sex, penetration, anal, orgasm, slut, kittens, and Miley Cyrus’ as many times as possible.  “When I started this tactic, all of the sudden I received fourteen thousand hits.  It was just ok.”  Reid has one of the top viewed blogs in the nation as of today only behind a gossiper drawing dicks on celebrities and a twelve year old girl taking pictures of her turtle in funny situations.  Reid is finally on his way to the top and we will be tracking  his progress closely.  Or more likely we will completely lose track of him until he loses popularity and hits rock bottom.

Third Grade Teacher Now at the 137-Minute Mark of Waiting for Students to Be Quiet


BREAKING NEWS: Mrs. Latrine is now on her 137th minute of silence while she waits for her students to realize what she is doing, shush each other, and quiet down.

Today, a beautifully sunny day in Newhall, California, began with the normal regiment for Newhall Elementary’s 3rd grade class, led by Mrs. Latrine.  Latrina, a tenured employee of Newhall Elementary School, is a veteran and knows every trick in the book to maintain order in her classroom.  Bribes, point system, red cards, (at one point ruler spanking because yes she is that old), and even the silent treatment.  All effective tools in a teachers back pocket.  But today was no ordinary day.  “Instead of their regular snacks, the school decided to try out these ‘fruit’ snacks that are basically compressed sugar,” stated Mrs. Latrine.  “These things could kill a horse.”

The kids were noticeably unhinged after the snacks.  But mathematics was coming up.  Mrs. Latrine figured the kids would “finally have enough energy to stay awake during math,” but their energy levels far exceeded her expectations.  She asked for quiet.  There was none.  She raised both her hands.  It did not work.  She decided to finally bust out the big guns.  She stopped what she was doing and stared silently off at the children until they decided to softly shush each other.  So far, this has been going on for a little over two hours.  Reportedly she refuses to let her children go home until they are quiet.  “At this point, I don’t even care if they learn the fucking math.  It’s the principle of the thing.  I need to win.  I need this.”

We will continue to keep you updated as the story develops.

Joblessness of Tim Tebows at 100%


Such supple skin.

Almost every demographic is still feeling the effects of the United States’ spiraling economy.  It has more or less subsided for the time, but one demographic is being hit with unemployment more than any other: the Tim Tebows of the world.

In a recent study done by the Federal Bureau of Statistics, it estimated that 1 out of every 1 Tim Tebow in the United States remains unemployed despite the upward turn of the United States economy.  “That is a deplorable statistic,” stated Florida Gators alumni, Marco Rubio.  “In a nation that prides itself on adversity and best man for the job, someone as amazing and beautiful and smooth as the Tim Tebows of this world should be able to find work.  Obama strikes again.”  Many conservatives have denounced President Obama in his handling of the unemployment situation amongst Tim Tebows.  “He has yet to show any semblance of a plan on how to get Tim Tebows employed again,” said long time politician and white haired fogey John McCain.  “Until we see a plan that we can publicly denounce, we will continue to fight for what is right for this nation and the Tim Tebows of the world.”

Lately the Guy in the Office Who Ate Your Lunch Today Not Seeming like Such a Bad Guy


We stole this before we left.

Today, Jackie Koppel was supremely upset about her lunch being eaten once again by Gary Hatfield, until she scrolled through all of the recent, tragic news stories.  Now he does not seem like such a bad guy.

Jackie Koppel, a 34-year old data analyst at a small start up in New Haven, Connecticut packs her lunch every day for work.  “The benefits outweight the downsides,” stated Jackie.  “It is usually healthier if you make it yourself, and cheaper.  I also don’t have to worry about where to order food from during lunch time.  I can concentrate on work until the time I eat.”  But Gary Hatfield, a smug little fucker, has stolen at least one lunch of Jackie’s every week for the past month and a half.  “It has been the most infuriating thing.  Like, make your own food.  Or get a 5 dollar sub.  You can afford 5 dollars you cheap dick,” exclaimed Jackie.  But recently her tune has begun to change.

Jackie is reportedly not an avid news follower but recently she accidentally stumbled upon this fresh news source called See En En.  She begun scrolling through all of the terrible events from the past few months: Boston Marathon Bombing, Newtown shooting, Ohio kidnappings, etc.  “Jackie’s demeanor definitely changed towards me stealing her food.  Allegedly stealing,” said Gary, the little fucker that he is.  “She would go on rampages yelling ‘Who stole my food?!?!’  But now she just orders some food and reads the news.  Win one for Gary!”  Jackie reportedly does not see the point in yelling anymore because there are apparently much worse things going on.  Jackie left us in saying “Gary’s still a huge asshole.”

D.C. Mayor Wants Redskins’ Name to be Changed To the Savages.


What is happening in this picture?

After numerous years of scrutiny, the mayor of Washington D.C. has decided to change the name of the Washington Redskins.  The name, if passed, will be the Washington Savages.

For years, the name Redskins has been shouted at countless sporting events.  Many Americans forget the racism that follows this word.  “A Redskin is not a name we choose to identify ourselves with,” said someone who could easily be mistaken for a Mexican, Chief Jonawopano.  “That is something our invaders used to identify us with.  It is like,” looks all around, “calling a black person the n-word.  You wouldn’t name a national sports team the ‘n-words’ would you?!”  Fair points.  To get the other side of the story, we talked to a local D.C. resident to find out his take on the story.

“I don’t think they should change their name,” stated 47 year old data analyst.  “Are you kidding me?!  Do I really need to tell you why?!  They’ve always been named the Redskins.  You just want to change history?  And we don’t think about Indians when we say Redskins anymore.  It’s like calling a gay person a ‘fag.’  It’s like, der, get over it.  Am I right?” he said as he dropped half a turkey club sandwich on the ground.  Not to worry though as he picked it up, brushed it off, and finished that bad boy.  There are numerous sides to the story.  But one thing is certain.  We could not find any more Native Americans to interview.

Local Man’s Most Recent DMV Experience Was Not So Bad


scoose me sur cahn ay help yu?

For years, Americans have complained about their DMV experiences.  But recently, a local man named Eric Ericson had an experience at the DMV that he claimed was “not so bad.”

The DMV is famous for bad experiences.  Local, state, and the federal government are aware of the problem.  Much like the employees of the DMV, they are indifferent.  Long waits, lost paperwork, unhelpful workers all lead to disastrous experiences.  But Eric Ericson had quite the opposite day.  His day was just ok.  “Yeah I mean like it wasn’t the GREATEST day I’ve ever had,” said Ericson.  “But it wasn’t really that bad.”

“Normally I hear about such awful experiences.  Everyone on Facebook just bitches and complains about their time there.  Nothing was as bad as they made it out to be.”  This was in fact Eric’s first time inside the DMV as he used to rely on his parents’ money and efforts, but now they are dead.  Eric only waited in line for seven minutes.  He then sat in his chair where he began to read from his kindle, as white people are known to do, but only finished three pages before his ticket had been called.  He turned in his vehicle registration form and in three minutes he had his tags ready.  Eric only spent twenty minutes inside of the DMV.

He soon took so social media, as so many do post-DMV.  His post on Facebook was “Just left DMV.  Why’s everyone so serious?”  A few got the Joker reference, but most thought it was too soon.  Shortly after, Eric stated, “I’d say that if I had to go back, I would.”

Senior Al Qaeda Leaders Now Down to Group of Bullies at Local Afghani School


Yolo. Specially for these guys.

A recently leaked CIA document stated that Al Qaeda is down to a “group of bullies at a local Afghani school.”

The war on terror has not been kind to those whom the American government deem to be terrorists.  One such organization is Al Qaeda.  This well known terrorist organization’s once full ranks have since been depleted by the United States military.  With the initial invasions into both Iraq and Afghanistan, along with continued fighting, drone kills (4,000 and counting), Al Qaeda is now officially down to a group of bullies at a local Afghani high school calling themselves Al Qaeda.

“We have a watchful eye on the group,” stated a CIA senior official named Al Harris who asked not to be named.  “We have drones circling the area.  All we need is for them to slip up by giving some kid a noogie, wedgie, or swirly and shit will storm down.  The skies will open up, and it will destroy them.”  Unnamed Al Harris senior CIA operative from Sacramento, Ca also stated off the record that the American public will not be made aware when the last Al Qaeda scum were wiped from this earth.  That it will just happen.

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