The Key to Fixing The Middle East To Be Decided Over Thanksgiving Dinner at the McClure’s in Manchester, New Hampshire

“What the United States needs to do…” was uttered, and so began the breakthrough ideas set to fix all problems in the Middle East this Thanksgiving at the McClure’s house in Manchester, New Hampshire.

The plan was not to fix a complicated multi-cultural, international dilemma that has seen numerous proposed solutions and countless failures and setbacks. The plan was to enjoy some turkey and hopefully avoid conversations about how much weight Chelsea had gained, despite her still unsolicited diet advice to everyone at the table. But this soon shifted as an awkward silence in conversation occurred at the very moment a news story broke about a downed Apache Helicopter in Afghanistan.

There it was, the weight of the world placed into these delicate hands of an unknown family in New England.  Papa Ken started it off.  “What the United States needs to do…” and before you knew it, everyone was chiming in.  When someone suggested something so stupid like god damn diplomacy, the newborn began to cry. She knew that was fucking stupid.

By the time pumpkin pie rolled around, the solution had been set.  But as the tryptophan began to kick in and most were lulling to sleep, the McClures decided to withhold the plan from “those terrorists” and if they wanted it, they could pry it from “their cold, dead hands.”

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Man Unsure if Noise Was Fart

At approximately 4:58pm PST, Charlie McKinny heard a noise that he was pretty sure was a fart, but could of been something else.

Farts can sound like a lot of things.  And a lot of things, if not paying close attention, can sound like farts.  A sock against a wooden coffee table, a creaky chair, a slow moving zipper.  All have been mistaken for farts in the past by millions of Americans.  And today is no different.

“My office is a pretty quiet one most days,” stated the 32-year old professional, “so every noise sticks out.  Today I heard a noise and at first, could’ve sworn it was a fart.  But when no one else reacted, I thought ‘maybe I mistook a normal noise for a fart.'”

Charlie is currently sniffing in the general direction the noise came from. Just to be 100% sure.

Sniff it while it’s fresh.

7 Restaurants to Try Before I Kill You

Delicious murder cake.

Fried ice cream, eggplant dressing, bottomless gravy mimosas.  These may not sound like your typical restaurant fare, but they are all uniquely delicious and served at restaurants we here at Rawful News believe you should try before we find and kill you.

Bay Cities Italian Deli & Bakery

Tucked away several blocks from the beautiful Santa Monica beach, this authentic italian deli is home to the famous Godmother sandwich.  IT may sound like an ordinary italian sandwich at first, but the fresh ingredients including dough baked in their ovens every morning is beyond heavenly.  If you are in the area, a definite must-eat before I track you down and bathe in your blood.

Ike’s Place

Speaking of heavenly sandwich shops, San Francisco’s very own Ike’s Place may rival Bay Cities, but it far surpasses it in quantity of selections. With hundreds of sandwiches to choose from, you really cannot go wrong with any choice. Get there early though as this must-eat can develop quite the line. Try a new sandwich each time, you won’t regret it, and it’s good to have no regrets before I come from the shadows and chop you to bits.

Lafeyette

Everyone knows of New York’s Katz Delicatessen, but this French brasserie is everything a restaurant should be.  Low-key breakfasts, business lunches, or a fancy dinner, come for the foise gras and duck au poivre, stay for the atmosphere in a place where I will do things to you the the writers of SAW couldn’t imagine in their worst nightmares.

Muriel’s Jackson Square

This must-eat New Orleans staple has the most authentic cajun and creole food this nation has to offer.  On top of delicious food, and impeccable service, the location cannot be beat, blocks from the Mississippi River and in the heart of the French quarter.  Eat a delicious french breakfast and wander the streets of New Orleans, possibly down a dark alley, where you will find me waiting with a plastic bag and a machete.

Jasper White’s Summer Shack

Boston is known for its incredible clam chowder, but this restaurant arguably has one of the best clam chowders around.  The use of salt pork brings out that cleaner flavor many other Boston eateries are lacking.  You can taste the history in every bite as I can taste your history after I kill and eat you to possess your power.

Voodoo Doughnut

Portland’s slogan is keep Portland weird, and Voodoo Doughnut does just that. With an eclectic decor and more types of donuts one ever knew possible, the line often runs down the block.  Try something a little stranger like the dirty snowballs doughnut, Miami Vice berry doughnut or go with their famous maple-bacon bar.  You can’t go wrong ending your life with a delicious donut, it will make your murder much easier for both of us.

Tony Luke’s

Located in South Philly, seemingly in the middle of nowhere, this is authentic as a philly cheesesteak can get.  Order from the side window and eat at their outdoor picnic tables.  The “Whiz With” Cheesesteak is their most well known but you can’t go wrong here with any choice. Be sure and come hungry because their sandwiches are large and will weigh you down which will make it much easier for me to catch you, kill you, and get you to sink to the bottom of any large body of water.

There you have it folks, Rawful News’ Top 7 Restaurants to Try Before I Kill You because you only live one life and you should enjoy it while it lasts.

Americans Still Giving So Many Fucks About the Obama Administration’s Recent Scandals

The Obama Administration has had more than its fair share of scandals in recent months.  A recent poll is showing that the American public gives so many fucks about the scandals that it’s insane.

The NSA wiretapping scandal, the release of records stating over 3,000 people were killed by drone strikes last year, the IRS targeting of Obama’s denouncers, the ATF “Fast and Furious” scheme, amongst numerous other stories, have only increased the amount of fucks Americans are giving about their President.  “Every time I hear of a new scandal, I give, like, double the fucks than normal,” stated Preschool Teacher, Aaron Klatt.  “Sometimes it feels like I can’t give any more fucks, but somehow I always find more fucks to give.”

A recent poll done by somebody somewhere stated that people give, on average, twenty-seven thousand fucks per year, but that number is only rising.  “People don’t forget these scandals immediately, Mr. Hussein Obama!” stated French Press connoisseur Jacque Blackman.  “Every day I give fucks, and every day Obama learns that Americans won’t take this lightly, and won’t forget these things probably a day or two after it happens.  No sir.”

Still no word on how many shits were not given during Obama’s second term.

 

Adding ‘Boobs, Tits, Sex, Penetration, Anal, Orgasm, Slut, Kittens, Miley Cyrus’ Only Way Local Blogger Can Get Any Views

Local blogger, Reid Thomas Haines, has found the only way he can get any hits on his blog is to add the most commonly searched for tags of “boobs, tits, sex, penetration, anal, orgasm, slut, kittens, and Miley Cyrus.”

Reid Thomas Haines has been blogging for several years, spending hours each week on top of his full-time job delicately crafting a beautiful webpage that also has intelligent, thought provoking material about current events in politics, pop culture, and life in general.  “One of my most viewed posts was a discussion about whether or not countries are outdated and if the world should have one global government,” stated Reid.  “It received twelve hits.  It was awesome.”  But lately, Reid has been taking a different approach to finding an audience.  A more visceral one.

Reid has begun only discussing stories where he can say the words ‘boobs, tits, sex, penetration, anal, orgasm, slut, kittens, and Miley Cyrus’ as many times as possible.  “When I started this tactic, all of the sudden I received fourteen thousand hits.  It was just ok.”  Reid has one of the top viewed blogs in the nation as of today only behind a gossiper drawing dicks on celebrities and a twelve year old girl taking pictures of her turtle in funny situations.  Reid is finally on his way to the top and we will be tracking  his progress closely.  Or more likely we will completely lose track of him until he loses popularity and hits rock bottom.

Third Grade Teacher Now at the 137-Minute Mark of Waiting for Students to Be Quiet

BREAKING NEWS: Mrs. Latrine is now on her 137th minute of silence while she waits for her students to realize what she is doing, shush each other, and quiet down.

Today, a beautifully sunny day in Newhall, California, began with the normal regiment for Newhall Elementary’s 3rd grade class, led by Mrs. Latrine.  Latrina, a tenured employee of Newhall Elementary School, is a veteran and knows every trick in the book to maintain order in her classroom.  Bribes, point system, red cards, (at one point ruler spanking because yes she is that old), and even the silent treatment.  All effective tools in a teachers back pocket.  But today was no ordinary day.  “Instead of their regular snacks, the school decided to try out these ‘fruit’ snacks that are basically compressed sugar,” stated Mrs. Latrine.  “These things could kill a horse.”

The kids were noticeably unhinged after the snacks.  But mathematics was coming up.  Mrs. Latrine figured the kids would “finally have enough energy to stay awake during math,” but their energy levels far exceeded her expectations.  She asked for quiet.  There was none.  She raised both her hands.  It did not work.  She decided to finally bust out the big guns.  She stopped what she was doing and stared silently off at the children until they decided to softly shush each other.  So far, this has been going on for a little over two hours.  Reportedly she refuses to let her children go home until they are quiet.  “At this point, I don’t even care if they learn the fucking math.  It’s the principle of the thing.  I need to win.  I need this.”

We will continue to keep you updated as the story develops.

Joblessness of Tim Tebows at 100%

Such supple skin.

Almost every demographic is still feeling the effects of the United States’ spiraling economy.  It has more or less subsided for the time, but one demographic is being hit with unemployment more than any other: the Tim Tebows of the world.

In a recent study done by the Federal Bureau of Statistics, it estimated that 1 out of every 1 Tim Tebow in the United States remains unemployed despite the upward turn of the United States economy.  “That is a deplorable statistic,” stated Florida Gators alumni, Marco Rubio.  “In a nation that prides itself on adversity and best man for the job, someone as amazing and beautiful and smooth as the Tim Tebows of this world should be able to find work.  Obama strikes again.”  Many conservatives have denounced President Obama in his handling of the unemployment situation amongst Tim Tebows.  “He has yet to show any semblance of a plan on how to get Tim Tebows employed again,” said long time politician and white haired fogey John McCain.  “Until we see a plan that we can publicly denounce, we will continue to fight for what is right for this nation and the Tim Tebows of the world.”

Lately the Guy in the Office Who Ate Your Lunch Today Not Seeming like Such a Bad Guy

We stole this before we left.

Today, Jackie Koppel was supremely upset about her lunch being eaten once again by Gary Hatfield, until she scrolled through all of the recent, tragic news stories.  Now he does not seem like such a bad guy.

Jackie Koppel, a 34-year old data analyst at a small start up in New Haven, Connecticut packs her lunch every day for work.  “The benefits outweight the downsides,” stated Jackie.  “It is usually healthier if you make it yourself, and cheaper.  I also don’t have to worry about where to order food from during lunch time.  I can concentrate on work until the time I eat.”  But Gary Hatfield, a smug little fucker, has stolen at least one lunch of Jackie’s every week for the past month and a half.  “It has been the most infuriating thing.  Like, make your own food.  Or get a 5 dollar sub.  You can afford 5 dollars you cheap dick,” exclaimed Jackie.  But recently her tune has begun to change.

Jackie is reportedly not an avid news follower but recently she accidentally stumbled upon this fresh news source called See En En.  She begun scrolling through all of the terrible events from the past few months: Boston Marathon Bombing, Newtown shooting, Ohio kidnappings, etc.  “Jackie’s demeanor definitely changed towards me stealing her food.  Allegedly stealing,” said Gary, the little fucker that he is.  “She would go on rampages yelling ‘Who stole my food?!?!’  But now she just orders some food and reads the news.  Win one for Gary!”  Jackie reportedly does not see the point in yelling anymore because there are apparently much worse things going on.  Jackie left us in saying “Gary’s still a huge asshole.”